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The first track of Year of the Ghost was released on October 27th at 12pm (est) on Rose Brown's YouTube channel.
Year of the Ghost contains (a number) original tracks that were all written, performed, recorded, produced and released independently by Rose Brown. The track list is as follows: 1. In Her Dreams 2. Nashville pt. 2 3. Crossed Wires 4. Breathe 5. Incomplete 6. Comet 7. Over 8. Lost in the Woods 9. Go 10. Granola Girl 11. Be |
about the album
between my last release, wings (2020) and year of the ghost (2022) a lot happened in my personal life.
there has been a lot of loss: the ending of friendships i thought were for a lifetime, the loss of some family members and a very dear and close friend. i've found myself haunted by the things i wish i did differently, things i wish i said that i was too afraid to when i had the chance. most importantly, there was a lot of returning: returning to friendships, returning to my truest self...
while every year possesses its own challenges, the past two have been especially difficult. i don't know if it's just because i'm 25, now, and that's just part of growing up. or, if i've just happened across a pocket of struggle. whatever the case, i've found myself using my writing as a journal to help process whatever it was that i was going through. and, because i'm a musician that likes to overshare (which is why i write these "about the song" pages), i'm putting those struggles out there for everyone to hear. (yay me)
there has been a lot of loss: the ending of friendships i thought were for a lifetime, the loss of some family members and a very dear and close friend. i've found myself haunted by the things i wish i did differently, things i wish i said that i was too afraid to when i had the chance. most importantly, there was a lot of returning: returning to friendships, returning to my truest self...
while every year possesses its own challenges, the past two have been especially difficult. i don't know if it's just because i'm 25, now, and that's just part of growing up. or, if i've just happened across a pocket of struggle. whatever the case, i've found myself using my writing as a journal to help process whatever it was that i was going through. and, because i'm a musician that likes to overshare (which is why i write these "about the song" pages), i'm putting those struggles out there for everyone to hear. (yay me)
about the name
the name for this album came a little slower to me than others have. most of the time, i'll know what i want to call something before i even have all of the songs written. in this case, i really didn't. originally i thought about not giving it a name. there were a few moments where i thought i had it, but the name i had just didn't feel right. then, one day, the name "year of the ghost" popped in my mind. i think i might have actually been in the shower... anyway.
about the art
i was in my kitchen, one evening in january, when the light from sunset was cascading through our window. i happened to look over to see the light casting rainbows on a dried rose. as soon as i saw that, i knew i had to use it for the art for my next project, whenever i was ready to put it out.
the story behind.........
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track 1 - in her dreams
In Her Dreams is the first song that I wrote for this album. In fact, In Her Dreams is the first song I remember writing.
On June 30, 2009 (when I was 12 years old), I sent an email to my Uncle Cody and Auntie Bobbi (who passed away in 2021) to share my excitement about writing my first song. I didn't have a name for it, but I had the lyrics, and who better to share them with than the people that got me started playing guitar in the first place. In Her Dreams was written about the first boy I formed a crush on when my family moved to Georgia in the mid 2000s. As most of my crushes have worked out, so far, the feelings were definitely not reciprocated. but, to be so young, writing about being in love... a feeling that i had no idea about (and still don't, at 25), was something so monumental. sometimes i wish i could go back to writing about things i didn't know, the hope filled lyrics of how great things could be... maybe i can retrain the dreamer inside of me. |
When I was 12, I would have told you that this song was dedicated to that boy. But, at 25, I think this song is more of a tribute to where I started, and the people that got me started, having no idea where their Christmas gift was going to take me. I'm thankful for where I've been, because otherwise... I wouldn't be where I am today. And honestly, I wouldn't trade that for anything.
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track 2 - nashville part 2
if you haven't been around for long, or maybe just forgot, in 2019 i released a song called "nashville" on my album summer time avenue. if you couldn't guess, nashville part 2 is the continuation of nashville.
i like to think of nashville as being the "dream" of running away to music city in the middle of the night with my high school best friend, bear. nashville part 2 is almost 10 years later, realistically, and is the after part of the dream, the reality. since we were in high school, we've grown apart, grown up, and fallen into the paths our lives were always supposed to go, i guess. while i don't talk to bear, and haven't in many years, i still find myself thinking about him whenever i get to play shows, sometimes. i think about how proud our high schools selves would be to know that, even if we didn't get to run away to nashville, i still got to live the dream and chase after music fearlessly and enthusiastically. |
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track 3 - crossed wires
crossed wires is about the anxiety i can feel regularly in my relationship. i can have a wonderful time hanging out, but when it's time for him to return home, i find myself wondering if something was off in the way he said goodbye.
i'll find myself spiraling, wondering if i did something wrong or if i might have said too much to make things awkward or even push him away. i've lost so many people in my life, in so many different ways, the idea of losing him in any capacity is terrifying. especially if there was something that i unintentionally did or said to make him want to leave. so far, it's all just been my anxiety toying with me, but there's still a part of me that wonders what time will be the time, if that makes sense. |
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track 4 - breathe
have you ever met someone that is so beautiful, so breathtaking, that all you can do is stand there like an idiot and think of everything you wish you could say to them?
being someone who lives most of their life getting talked down by the anxious, controlling thoughts in their head, i can say that i've been in this situation a few times: i've met baristas that are so cute that i end up screwing up my coffee order without realizing it, seen pretty people at the grocery store and struggle to fight the goofy smile that's forced its way to my face (convincing me that the person on the receiving end of my awkwardness just thinks i'm a creepy weirdo person), found myself unable to speak to somebody in the same room as me (that i'm dying to talk to) because i'm so afraid i'll trip over my tongue and make a fool out of myself.... yeahhhh.... it sucks, lol. i can play a show for an entire room full of people, making myself the center of attention, basically. but, when it comes to one-on-one interactions with people (especially people that are particularly attractive), i flounder and forget how to function. but, i guess you can't have it all. |
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track 5 - incomplete
i look at my friends and find myself feeling awestruck by them all and where their lives have gone. i have one friend who is living the traditional "university" life. i have a few friends that have gotten married, a couple of them have purchased their first homes. a few are expecting their first children while others have their second or third on one the way. i have some friends starting their own businesses, while others are trying to climb the ladder or retire early from their "traditional" jobs. i even have a friend who packed his bags and moved away from home just because he felt called to do so.
and while i sit here looking at the people i call friends and the accomplishments they've made, there are times that i look at myself and feel like i must have missed a chapter or a meeting where everybody got instructions on how to "function" like an adult, and i'm just scrambling to figure my shit out as i go.... |
i'm trying to work on my natural habit of comparing myself to everyone around me. i realize that everybody, in some sense, is making it up as they go. even the most put together people have their moments of feeling like they're falling apart or failing. i try to remind myself that no two lives look exactly the same, and that heaven to some looks like hell to others.
still, i have my moments of making unfair comparisons between my friends and myself. for some reason, i view their accomplishments as being bigger or better or more notable than my own... even though there are things that some of my friends have that i definitely do not want. i hate how i can discredit the things i've accomplished and overcome, because those are the things that have set me on this course of living the dreams i've always had of being a professional musician... even though i'm extremely blessed, there are a lot of times where i still feel so incomplete... have i mentioned how weird being in your 20s is?
still, i have my moments of making unfair comparisons between my friends and myself. for some reason, i view their accomplishments as being bigger or better or more notable than my own... even though there are things that some of my friends have that i definitely do not want. i hate how i can discredit the things i've accomplished and overcome, because those are the things that have set me on this course of living the dreams i've always had of being a professional musician... even though i'm extremely blessed, there are a lot of times where i still feel so incomplete... have i mentioned how weird being in your 20s is?
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track 6 - comet
comet is about the first woman i ever formed a crush on when i was 19 or 20. even though i've written and released a few songs about/inspired by her, i never used she/her pronouns, afraid of the reaction i could get if i opened up a little more to confess my truest feelings.
when i've looked back at journals from the time when our worlds were intertwined, i've been surprised to realize there are very few entries about her. i have countless pages where i wrote about my crushes on different boys and how i'd compare them to, basically, understand why i even liked them in the first place.... all this time, i've been wondering why, as somebody who writes about everything (especially hard things like new crushes and feelings), would i not have anything written about her? that's when it dawned on me: falling for her was one of the most unexpected, yet totally natural things to happen to me in my life, so far. |
it's like watching as it snows outside, you don't realize while you're watching the flurries how much snow is accumulating, until you look down and see that everything is completely different and covered in white. and i think my feelings for her were like that: i had no idea i was falling until i looked up and saw that my world had been painted in colors i had never seen before her.
though it was written years after my feelings first crept in, i wrote comet about how terrified i was (and still am) to let her in. i was afraid that if she saw the real me or the things i consider to be "flaws" in myself, she'd get scared or not reciprocate what i was feeling, leaving me vulnerable and hurt. but, even more terrifying, i was afraid of sharing more of myself out of fear that the feelings could have been mutual over all, opening up the potential for me to inevitably let her down.
while i'm a person that generally lives life with no regrets, and believe that everything has helped to lead me where i'm supposed to be, the one regret that i have is letting her slip through my fingers by trying to play it cool when i'm naturally just a goofball who loves making people laugh. while there's a part of me that's disappointed, i'm also kind of glad she didn't know me back then. at 25, i'm not the person i was at 20.
though it was written years after my feelings first crept in, i wrote comet about how terrified i was (and still am) to let her in. i was afraid that if she saw the real me or the things i consider to be "flaws" in myself, she'd get scared or not reciprocate what i was feeling, leaving me vulnerable and hurt. but, even more terrifying, i was afraid of sharing more of myself out of fear that the feelings could have been mutual over all, opening up the potential for me to inevitably let her down.
while i'm a person that generally lives life with no regrets, and believe that everything has helped to lead me where i'm supposed to be, the one regret that i have is letting her slip through my fingers by trying to play it cool when i'm naturally just a goofball who loves making people laugh. while there's a part of me that's disappointed, i'm also kind of glad she didn't know me back then. at 25, i'm not the person i was at 20.
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track 7 - over
over was initially inspired by a friend group i was taking a break from. i thought about all the times we'd go for late night car rides to go ghost hunting or smoke weed and play cards against humanity... and realized how sad i was that all of that was just memories. despite where i was in the moment, i couldn't deny how much fun we'd always have when we got together. at the end of the day, i missed them (and have since made peace and returned to fun adventures of adult friendships).
then, one day as i was scrolling through social media, i saw a post from a friend i grew up with during my childhood, talking about a tree house that was built for us to play in, had inevitably fallen to the ground. while the idea of the tree house no longer existing wasn't particularly devastating -- it's just a pile of old lumber -- it was the thought of playing in tree houses and trying to convince our parents to stay a little bit longer on a school night being nothing but memories that cut a little deeper. nostalgia makes us look at life through rose colored glasses, making memories more fond and dear than life actually was. truthfully, sometimes i think i miss the feelings i had more than i miss the specific moments that i find myself hyper-fixating on at 2 in the morning. |
i miss the excitement that came from birthdays and holidays, the anticipation that comes from waiting for summer where there was no bed time and more time to spend with friends. and mostly, i miss the sense of hope and cluelessness - making plans for a future with no idea how the world really works, not knowing the last time you played hide and seek was the last time, not knowing how much pain comes when the friends you used to celebrate every birthday with forget to text or call...
there's a hollowness to nostalgia, maybe it's the bitter nagging of cynicism that's gifted to us after our first real heart break as we graduate from children and become more aware beings, stumbling through the world like newborn fawns. we challenge the good feelings, waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if every challenge comes in a matching set. we forget what it's like to play, to create just for the fun of it, and tell ourselves we're not allowed to do something if we're "bad" at it. even though the concept of being "good" and "bad" isn't even real, and is totally based on personal preferences, bias, and perception.
another thing that's hard about friendships, is wondering if when all is said and done, if they think about you as much as you think about them. while they're driving with the windows down in late spring, do they also think about the time you fell out of that cherry tree? when they're at the grocery store, do they think about that time you went to pick out snacks for a sleepover? when they hear "shut up and dance", do they think about how much that song meant to them when it came out, which made it mean so much more to you? or, do they just move on and forget? find new friends to make memories with and completely forget about everything they did when they used to spend time with you...
there's a hollowness to nostalgia, maybe it's the bitter nagging of cynicism that's gifted to us after our first real heart break as we graduate from children and become more aware beings, stumbling through the world like newborn fawns. we challenge the good feelings, waiting for the other shoe to drop, as if every challenge comes in a matching set. we forget what it's like to play, to create just for the fun of it, and tell ourselves we're not allowed to do something if we're "bad" at it. even though the concept of being "good" and "bad" isn't even real, and is totally based on personal preferences, bias, and perception.
another thing that's hard about friendships, is wondering if when all is said and done, if they think about you as much as you think about them. while they're driving with the windows down in late spring, do they also think about the time you fell out of that cherry tree? when they're at the grocery store, do they think about that time you went to pick out snacks for a sleepover? when they hear "shut up and dance", do they think about how much that song meant to them when it came out, which made it mean so much more to you? or, do they just move on and forget? find new friends to make memories with and completely forget about everything they did when they used to spend time with you...
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track 8 - lost in the woods
lost in the woods is about my summer of 2022 after being given a prescription for an anxiety medicine (because i went in with symptoms of an unknown physical illness, but it turned into a fixation on "fixing" my anxiety -- something i've managed for the majority of my existence).
the medication i was given nuked my nervous system. i stopped getting the cues to eat, drink, and go the bathroom. my stomach was starting to fill with gas from not eating, with no relief because i couldn't eat, because i was so consumed by every twinge of gas pressure that i would make myself sick. i couldn't spend 10 minutes alone to take a shower because that would be enough time for my mind to wander to scary places and send me spiraling. i can't tell you how many times i would ask my mom in a single day, "am i okay? am i alright?" just for reassurance. because honestly, i had no idea if i was. i couldn't sleep unless i had pokemon playing in the background, and even still, i'd wake up to panic attacks.... i lost 20 pounds in a month.. |
during this time, i was being urged by my doctors (primary care and therapist) that it was time for me to move out. because i was just about to turn 25 and needed to start being more independent. when i couldn't even recognize my own face in the mirror or think about food, my mom and brother were there to try and keep me alive, even if it meant force feeding me or talking to a pharmacist for an hour to get guidance when my doctors weren't available because they were on vacation or out of the office.
i was scared. i had no idea what to do. honestly, i wasn't totally here. the best way that i could put it was i felt like i was lost in the woods, trying to find my way back home. there would be a small window every day where i felt like myself, which made me feel like i was going in the right direction, but then i would slip back into my panic and would be back to square one - lost and confused.
it literally took my mom, brother, and partner to get me in the car to take me to the hospital because i reached a point where they realized there was nothing else they could do. while they spent the whole month leading up to it force feeding me, i was inconsolable.
that night, i stopped taking the anxiety medicine. it was rough in the first couple days, but the withdraw didn't last long. i ended up finding out i had strep the entire time, and once that was taken care of, my mental health started to get better.
if i'm being honest, i'm still fucked up from this summer. it took a toll on my body and my mental health in a way that i don't know if i'll ever full recover from. it was traumatic, not getting the help i needed from the doctors i was entrusting with my health and safety. instead, they were trying to separate me from the people that were keeping me alive. honestly, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family and the friends that were there to talk me through.
lost in the woods was written a couple months later when i could finally start thinking about what had happened. while i still think doctors and medication are extremely important to the health and safety of every person, it made me realize how important it is to advocate for yourself. as much as it sucks that we have to tell people how to do their jobs, sometimes, i wonder how things would have been if i followed my instincts from the beginning, didn't take the medication, and demanded that they test me for more than just covid and a uti (i never had either).
i was scared. i had no idea what to do. honestly, i wasn't totally here. the best way that i could put it was i felt like i was lost in the woods, trying to find my way back home. there would be a small window every day where i felt like myself, which made me feel like i was going in the right direction, but then i would slip back into my panic and would be back to square one - lost and confused.
it literally took my mom, brother, and partner to get me in the car to take me to the hospital because i reached a point where they realized there was nothing else they could do. while they spent the whole month leading up to it force feeding me, i was inconsolable.
that night, i stopped taking the anxiety medicine. it was rough in the first couple days, but the withdraw didn't last long. i ended up finding out i had strep the entire time, and once that was taken care of, my mental health started to get better.
if i'm being honest, i'm still fucked up from this summer. it took a toll on my body and my mental health in a way that i don't know if i'll ever full recover from. it was traumatic, not getting the help i needed from the doctors i was entrusting with my health and safety. instead, they were trying to separate me from the people that were keeping me alive. honestly, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family and the friends that were there to talk me through.
lost in the woods was written a couple months later when i could finally start thinking about what had happened. while i still think doctors and medication are extremely important to the health and safety of every person, it made me realize how important it is to advocate for yourself. as much as it sucks that we have to tell people how to do their jobs, sometimes, i wonder how things would have been if i followed my instincts from the beginning, didn't take the medication, and demanded that they test me for more than just covid and a uti (i never had either).
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track 9 - go
i was inspired by a friend of mine. somewhere between her getting engaged and married, she and i were having a conversation with one of her relatives about how if that specific relative didn't show up for the wedding, my friend and i would go looking for her.
even though i had no intention to try to steal my friend away from her future husband, i still found myself thinking about our conversation and how there's songs about somebody running away with the groom.... what if there was a song about running away with the bride? this is the first love song i ever released about another woman... i'm nervous about it, but i hope everyone enjoys it. |
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track 10 - granola girl
my mom gave me a writing prompt after realizing the type of women i tend to gravitate towards: crunchy granola girls.
Rose, what is a crunchy granola girl? according to urban dictionary, "Crunchy Granola - Noun. A person who is lives in a healthy, green, vegetarian way. This person often supports Greenpeace and other such environmental and anti-war groups." source according to google, "Granola girls are earthy, eco-conscious, and a little “out there.” They're “crunchy” counter-culture hippies, hence the name “granola,” but it's hippie-lite. They're progressive liberals who religiously recycle and compost, and they've probably tried veganism at least once." source |
i didn't really know how to write a song about a whole subgroup of people, especially since i don't have a lot of first hand experience with "granola girls". however, the more i thought about it, the more i got inspired. and, eventually, the song came! i don't know if it's what my mom was expecting, exactly, but it's what we got.
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track 12 - be
when i was 20, i was working at a job that i hated, just starting to scratch the surface on figuring out who i was/am, sorting through complicated emotions and feelings, and challenging the boundaries of certain friendships.
at 25, i'm doing the thing i've always wanted to do. i've spent the past five years unlearning, educating, and defining parts of myself i never thought i'd have to consider. i've learned to hold myself accountable for the things i did that don't align with my values, and communicate effectively when i've messed up and need to apologize. i've been trying to teach myself how to break cycles by recognizing patterns and nipping things in the bud before they spiral into full blown problems. nobody is perfect, that's part of being human, i suppose. but i like to believe that at 25, i'm closer to who i'm meant to be than i was at 20. and when i think about that, i hope that she (my past self) would be proud. |
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